i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
