Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
