I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
