So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
