Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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