I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
