I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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