My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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