I puked a lego.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I need to calm my uterus...
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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