i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
