My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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