Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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