I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
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