two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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