You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
