How'd it feel making her break her religion?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
