Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize