If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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