You don't have asthma, your pregnant
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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