i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize