I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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