I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
