So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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