I wish my penis had an off switch
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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