i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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