when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Randomize
