I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Randomize
