a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
