I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
