watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
drinking out of a sandbucket again
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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