Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
