She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize