we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
