He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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