if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
