I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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