I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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