sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
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