I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
