I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
