Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
