A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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