cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Randomize
