I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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