bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I forget how to act sober
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
