I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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