i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
