It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
