i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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