please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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