I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
