his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
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