Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
