i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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