you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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