I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
