When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
