i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
