New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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