why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
