I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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