So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
