gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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