I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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