8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
