: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
