a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
