gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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