I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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