I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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