i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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