Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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